|
|
My Blog
|
Barb Warner, MEd: Posted on Sunday, November 06, 2011 12:18 PM
You Are Dying and You Are Still Beautiful
Mr. Smith, there is nothing more that we can do for you. The cancer has spread throughout your body. I suggest Hospice care for you which will allow you to spend your remaining days in your own home as pain free and comfortable as possible.
For most adults, good health and the ability to make personal choices are basic to a meaningful life. We find meaning in work, in our friends and family and in choices that we are able to make each day. A life-limiting illness can shatter this sense of meaning and purpose. There are few challenges in life as great as helping oneself live a meaningful life when dying.
Shock and numbness are natural responses to this painful news. A person usually can only cope with this new reality in doses. It takes time to understand this news with both the head and the heart. Acknowledging the reality of this news is, however, the first step in continuing to live a meaningful life.
Hospice is a concept of care designed to provide comfort and support to patients and their families when an illness no longer responds to cure oriented treatments. It helps patients live their last days as alert and pain free as possible. Specially trained professionals, volunteers and family members provide this care in the home or a hospice center.
The primary goals of hospice care are to provide comfort, relieve physical, emotional and spiritual suffering and promote the dignity of the terminally ill person. Hospice care neither prolongs or hastens the dying process and focuses on the needs of both the patient and the family.
Roger Bone, MD (A Dying Person's Guide to Dying - www.hospicenet.org) was a physician who died in 1997 at the age of 55 years of renal cancer. Before his death he wrote suggestions for other terminally ill patients while he himself was dying of cancer.
1.Some family members and friends will treat you differently. Even
before you show signs of a serious illness, people may have a
different look in their eyes as they talk with you. They will come
around to their normal selves when they get over the shock.
2.Don't be afraid to ask to be alone. You need time to be by yourself.
3.Slow down and ask your family and friends to slow down. There
may not be a lot of time but there is sufficient time in all but the most extreme cases to think, plan and prepare.
4.However confusing that this experience is, remember that only you
know what you need. You can and should ask for information and
advice, make telephone calls, read books-but ultimately it is
important to make the decisions that feel right to you.
5.Find out as much as possible about your disease. What is it? How
will it affect me? And very important, how will it cause my death? It is helpful to have a friend participate in these discussions with your health care providers. At this time you may not be able to
comprehend the answers that you are being given. Also, the internet, organizations such as the American Cancer Society and relevant
books may give you more helpful information.
6.Seek a second opinion. Your health care team or friends can give
you suggestions of other providers who can see you situation with
new eyes.
Other helpful advice comes from Rex Winsbury a British journalist who survived a terminal diagnosis. He experienced the needs and challenges of someone who was dying but lived to reflect and share them. As a cancer patient, he felt:
-the need to "settle up" with people that he felt close to, so as to die in peace with them and with himself. -the importance of having someone to "stand in" for him-to do what he couldn't do if he became helpless. -the need to know places and organizations that he could turn to for practical information.
Mr. Winsbury continues by giving some unusual and very sage advice.
-Find someone or somewhere to talk about death. -Find someone to tell you that you are still beautiful. -Find someone who would help to restore hope within the context of realism about the situation. -Find someone to forewarn me and teach me about the stress of my illness upon others.
He concludes with this inspiring epitaph for all of us.
"Having feared death all of my life, now that I have confronted it, I no longer fear it. Had I, during my life, feared death as little as I do now, I would have dared more and better things."
(To read Mr. Winsbury complete article go to www. hospice.net)
|
|
|
Barb Warner, MEd: Posted on Saturday, October 08, 2011 7:35 PM
The Balancing Act of Care Giving
This blog is written to celebrate and acknowledge the special place caregivers have in the lives of many people when they find it difficult to care for themselves. Caregivers are often friends or family members who have not received any special training for their unique contributions and often have responsibilities to other family members and work situations that depend on them. Sometimes, often forgotten are the personal needs of the caregivers themselves. The necessity of balancing their needs with those of others in their lives makes a circus tightrope walk look like a cakewalk.
Many times in our lives when we are facing potentially stressful situations we are apt to go to extremes. We may feel that if we just give 100% of our time and energy to our loved one, all would be well. The truth is our loved one needs a caregiver who is healthy, happy and present. Often times our own needs, what makes us happy, are not on our radar at all. The fact is that we need to give to others only to the extent of what is good for us. This takes careful monitoring.
When dealing with the challenges of care giving, spiritual issues often come to the forefront of our patient's life as well as our own. Illness can cause fear which can disrupt our sense of meaning, our values and our faith. Addressing our own spiritual needs can help us deal with these concerns and open us up to the possibility of our own growth.
Spirituality - What provides us with a sense of meaning
Spirituality is a word that we may be unfamiliar with. Spirituality is the quality that supports our connection to the sacred as well as each other. It is the conscious practice of living the highest ethical ideals in the concreteness of every day life. It includes faith or what provides of sense of personal meaning in life (and death). Acknowledging a connection with a power that can give us support and direction is a great gift that we can allow ourselves.
Spirituality can often help caregivers cope with daily living and feelings of being overwhelmed. Meeting our spiritual needs as a caregiver can help us know ourselves and our needs, feel valued and loved, become involved with others and find a sense of balance and peace.
Ways to meet our spiritual needs. -Take time out to pray, meditate or walk in nature to nurture yourself.
- Attend services at your church, synagogue, mosque, etc.
-Find faith in what you believe, even if you are not affiliated with a religion
-See if you can identify anything positive that can come out of the situation.
-Join a caregiver support group
-Ask for help. It is unrealistic to think you can or should do everything yourself.
Support Resources
There are many supportive resources that are often so close but that we don't know about. A friend of mine didn't know about the Senior Care Coordinator that her HMO had who was available to help her and her mother navigate some serious memory loss. Ask your care providers and be as specific as possible as to your needs are. Most health care providers realize that care of older people usually goes beyond only physical needs.
The resources available on the computer make finding care giving support relatively easy. For those unfamiliar with the computer, going to the public library, senior center, asking your 12 year old grandson or finding other learning resources may be well worth the energy.
The following are a few resources that may be helpful. -Finding Balance for the Caregiver: This article offers 16 Stress Reducing Strategies: www.caregiver.com/articles/caregiver/finding balance for caregiver.htm.
-American Cancer Society: 1-800-955-3586
-The Caregivers Guide to the Dying Process: www. hospicefoundation.org
-Thefamilycaregiver.org- Connects you with other caregivers to foster hope and guidance when facing issues surrounding everyday care.
-Alzheimer's Association in Denver- 303-813-1669
-www. seniorsresourceguide.com/directories/Denver- Gives you names of different faith based caregiver support groups
The Savvy Caregiver program is located in several different locations throughout many communities. It is a 12 hour training designed to help family caregivers in the basic knowledge of care giving. The internet will give more information about programs in your area.
Several years ago I had a friend whose husband had cancer. Keeping family and friends aware of his status was very difficult. She used Caring Bridge.org to easily create a personalized website that could connect she and their loved ones during this critical times.
I hope each caregiver reading this will take a moment and acknowledge the inspiration that you provide. May you remember the wisdom of Parker Palmer who wrote:
Self Care is never a selfish act-it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I was put on earth to offer others.
Anytime we can listen to our true self and give it the care it requires, we do so not only for ourselves but for the many others whose lives we touch.
|
|
|
Barb Warner, MEd: Posted on Thursday, June 23, 2011 2:40 PM
Several years ago as director of volunteer services for a non-profit serving the elderly, I asked a woman if she would like to tell some of her life stories to a volunteer who would record them for her. She said it would be a waste of time as she had never done anything important in her life. She just stayed home and raised three foster children. I then asked a World War ll veteran the same question. He also said that he didn't have anything to tell. After some coaxing he did tell a volunteer some of what had happened. He had jumped out of a fighter jet as it was being shot down by the Nazis over Belgium and had spent three months search for his company. Later he said: "I was so relieved after completing my story. Relieved! The story was inside me and I had to get it out in order to be free. I felt I was hiding my story by holding it in."
Those experiences were rich introductions for me into life stories. Whether we spent our early years growing up on a farm in rural Ohio and never heard of "the 60s" or lived in San Francisco and lived "the 60s", each of us as a series of tales that have brought us to where we are today. If you still think that your life was pretty uninteresting, hear what Mark Twain had to say. "There was never an uninteresting life. Such a thing is utterly impossible. Inside the dullest exterior, there is a comedy, a drama and a tragedy."
So why share your life stories? -By learning about ourself, we become a better person. We gain new respect for the skills and strengths we have developed over the years and feel more confident to explore the future.
So often in our younger years, we lived each day like it was a task to be accomplished without stopping to realize the talents and courage that each day took. Like the woman who raised three foster children, we didn't realize the strength it took when our child was ill, or when we lost our job, or even when we took the risk of moving to another town to work at that dream job we had always wanted.
-We give our children and families a way to appreciate and understand in a more definitive way what makes them unique and what made them the people they are.
Several years ago I attended a concert in Denver where the group performing was a replication of the Beatles. Sitting in the theater tears welled up in my eyes as I remembered the time in 1960s when I first heard their recorded music. It was at a party of Peace Corps volunteers in Istanbul, Turkey. Now fifty years later I was nostalgic, remembering the pride of being a part of the Peace Corps. The experience had both enhanced my life and the life of many children and families in Turkey. It felt important. I had made a difference. Perhaps the world was a bit better because of me.
After that concert in Denver, I told my young adult daughter about what I experienced hearing the Beatle's music once again. I told her about President Kennedy's influence on my life and how spending two years as a Peace Corps volunteer was a defining moment for me. Hearing the Beatles again was a part of that. It gave me the opportunity to share with her some of my history, which is also her history and the history of our nation.
-We are able to enliven, ennoble and enrich work places, faith based organizations, ethnic and other groups with common interests by sharing the stories that have brought us to this place.
When strangers meet because of a mutual passion for a cause, such as African refugees, homeless women or building a church, bonds can be formed when they gather and chronicle what has brought them to this place. There is a comfort established which enhances whatever project is involved.
-By sharing our stories, we honor the wonderful people, travels, cultures and other experiences that have enriched our lives.
There is nothing more delicious than reliving the hike down the Grand Canyon to a mutual outdoor enthusiast, describing grandmother's apple pie to your son or reliving with your first born what it was like to become her parent.
Throughout history, stories have been told around campfires, wisdom circles, at the kitchen table, in the coffee houses and bars all over the world. These tales were used to pass on accumulated wisdom, beliefs and values. They explained how things were, why they were and our role and purpose in life. Stories are the building blocks of knowledge, the foundation of memory and learning. Rachel Naomi Remen, MD, author of Kitchen Table Wisdom writes, "telling stories is not a technique, it is not an art, it is a human need.
Until recently, story telling had lost its important position in our society. However, both oral and written stories are now experiencing a come back. Scrapbooking has experienced a resurgence. Videos and DVDs are easy and accessible. Babies have their own websites. Blogs are a popular way to communicate.
Writing your personal story can seem foreign at first. The following are a couple of ways to get started. Remember a time or two when you have had an experience that
changed your life forever. They can be painful or ones that brought
you great joy. Note the gifts in both experiences and how they have
impacted your life. What did you learn about yourself?
Look at any decade in your life. How would you title those ten years?
What were the best and worst of times? Are there personal traits that
you needed then that have served you well since then?
And don't ever believe that you are too young to write your life story. Tim Tebow, a Denver Bronco quarterback just published an autobiography at the age of 23. When Jon Stewart of the Daily Show interviewed him last week, Stewart asked him, why didn't you wait until you were 24?
It's your call and it is all fun!
|
|
|
Barb Warner, MEd: Posted on Wednesday, April 27, 2011 11:54 AM
Have you ever been in a conversation and realized that you just heard something very wise being said. You look around to see who said that and you realized it was you? You wished you had written it down and wonder if there was more wisdom where that came from.
In our earlier years we had many opportunities to learn lessons from that reliable teacher called experience. Sometimes we were so busy in the classroom, we didn't have the opportunity to reflect on what those lessons were. If we look clearly now, we can appreciate the wisdom and courage it took each time as we advanced to the next grade level.
It is common in our culture to believe that as we grow older we loose our value to our loved ones, our community and ourselves. In fact, this is the time when we are the most valuable to everyone. Sometimes in my imagination, I picture a river running past, filled with beautiful and valuable gems. It is mostly a sad picture. Those gems are the grace, wisdom and perspective that those of us in the second half of life have gained over the years. There are many people on the side of the river looking at the gems go by but they don't take time to harvest them as they don't realize their exquisite value. Because we have been raised in a society which often does not hold aging in high esteem, we may not value our older selves either. It is time for us to turn that around and learn to mine our own gems and use them to enhance our lives and those of others.
As we become more aware of the abilities we have to share, we need not wait for our communities and the corporate or political culture to call us to ask for our help. That may take some time. Actually, we have an urgent calling now; an oportunity before us that we can perform better than anyone else. That is sharing our sensitivity, knowledge and talents with young people. Many urgently need us now as grandpartners.
Yes, you read it right. A grandpartnercan be a traditional, biological grandparent or any caring adult. These relationships can take shape as mentors, role models, teachers and family historians. In these roles you are not simply transmitting skills. You are firing the child's imagination, growing their ambition, guiding them in solving problems and giving them their own sense of self worth. What a worthwhile job description! Is it any less significant than leading a company to a Fortune 500 status?
Research has shown us that young people need 4-6 caring adults involved in their life to fully develop emotionally and socially. Every school needs more volunteers to give children the experience they deserve. Teachers can not do this alone and often times parents are just too busy. There are many soccer teams, faith based groups, scout troops and countless individual children who need caring adults to support them. There are children from abusive families, homeless children, sick children, developmentally disabled children....and the list goes on. There is no end of opportunities available to someone who wishes to make a difference in the life of a young person.
If you would like to explore opportunities to make a difference, there are many agencies that can help. www.volunteermatch.com is a website that can give you descriptions of opportunities in your area. The United Way also can provide information. In the Denver area, Metro Volunteers at 303-623-1176 is an excellent resource.
Thanks to each of you who realize that the second half of your life provides a most exceptional opportunity to give of ourselves in a way that we may not ever had the opportunity to do. Giving to a young person is a gift that will keep on giving.... forever. It will change our world .... forever.
"If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in." Rachael Carson
|
|
|
Barb Warner, MEd: Posted on Sunday, April 10, 2011 2:35 PM
Post-Traumatic Growth Syndrome
I love the word resilience. It sounds like its definition- bouncy, light,flexible,able to return to its original form after being bent, compressed or stretched. We all can identify with feeling bent, compressed and stretched at times in our life. However, since you are reading this you no doubt possess an admirable degree of resiliency.
As I was beginning to write this blog, I received an email from Karen, a new friend who I hadn't heard from for over a month. Apparently, several weeks ago, she was in a great deal of pain and had gone to several doctors. After being put on increasingly intense pain medications, Karen still had unbearable pain and took a cab to the hospital. Karen has outlined her 8 days in the hospital in a letter to friends. She speaks about an uncertain diagnosis, hallucinations from medications, inexperienced hospital staff and other unpleasant experiences. She continues to write, "Even though I was in pain and had fear of disability and even death, I was entertained by observing the way the hospital worked, the support from my friends and family and interesting hallucinations." She finishes by saying that for three weeks she had no need to pick up a magazine or a book, as her life was so entertaining. Professionally, Karen is a career and leadership coach and plans to go to California this week to conduct a workshop on creativity. She is my poster friend for Resilience.
Some people are naturally more resilient than others. However, research has shown that resilience is ordinary, not extraordinary. Resilience can be learned and cultivated by everyone. The following are traits of resilient people:
-They stay connected and rely on others to help them survive in tough times. Karen called in friends when she was discharged from the hospital so that they could be trained to help her at home with her recovery.
-They're optimistic. Experts say that negative thinking is just a bad habit which can be worked on, although it might take some work to change our habits.
-They are spiritual. When people have strong spiritual convictions, they are less likely to become depressed. When depressed, the depression lifts sooner.
-They are playful. Al Siebert,PhD, author of The Resiliency Advantage, says,"Resilient people enjoy themselves like children do. They wonder about things, experiment and laugh". In reading Karen's letter to friends, there was a lightness when she spoke about not needing magazines or books to keep her entertained.
-They pick their battles. Resilient people tend to focus on things they can influence and not spend time on things they can't control. When Karen sensed she wasn't getting better, she took herself to the hospital.
-They stay healthy. A good diet and regular exercise help repair neurons in the brain areas that are particularly susceptible to stress.
-They actively seek solutions. Resilient people quickly hone inonchallenges and devise strategies for dealing with them. When Karen realized that she was going to need help at home, she immediately gathered friends and family.
-They find silver linings. Steven Southwick, M.D., professor of psychiatry at Yale University School of Medicine writes, "Resilient people are like trees bending in the wind. They bounce back and use negative experiences as an opportunity to better themselves."
After several months of treatment for breast cancer ten years ago, I wanted to acknowledge myself for the emotional and physical pain that I had just experienced. I took myself on a relaxing retreat to a yoga center in New Mexico. Upon returning home, I could sense and celebrate the strength and confidence that the cancer experience had given me.
Dr. Southwick calls this phenomenon, Post - Traumatic GrowthSyndrome. Often times we don't take time to acknowledge our magnificent achievements after a particularly difficult period in our life. I encourage you to note those difficult times in your life and the resilience you showed. When you internalize the strength of your resilience, you will know that you are mightier than you ever thought and that you too deserve a glorious trip to New Mexico, Hawaii, or anywhere you considerheaven to be.
BON VOYAGE !
|
|
|
Barb Warner,MEd: Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2011 11:08 AM
Joan of Arc said,"I want to know what I was born for and I want the courage to do it." When it came time for me to retire several years ago, I felt empty. I didn't know what I had been born for but knew there must be something more. There were some terrifying moments. I felt totally alone; as if I was the only person who had ever experienced this. I could picture myself sitting in my living room by myself looking out the window for the next 30 years of my life. I felt at some level that there was a song inside of me waiting to be sung but I had not a clue as to how to access it.
I realized that composing that song wasn't something that I could force to happen. I had to allow the tune, the words, the tempo to come naturally and spontaneously. I had to trust.
In the second half of life our goals and values change. We are not the same person we were 20 years ago, only 20 years older. Self-expression is now more important than ambition. We don't want to follow someone else's rules or learn things that are unimportant. Time is of the essence. It is about what makes us feel passionate. What makes us come alive.
Some thoughts about passion: -Passion is a gift of spirit that endows each of us with the power to live and communicate with enthusiasm.
-Passion can either be a pilot light that has been simmering in our soul for a while or it can be a blinding flashing light that recently got our attention. You cannot not pay attention to it.
-Passion is a letting go. No wonder it engenders fear. Experiences relegated as off limits by fears are the ones holding the most promise for discovery.
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what you need to come alive and do that. What the world needs is people who have come alive." Howard Thurman
How to identify your passions? It is passion if: -it is an activity that when you do it the time goes by without you even knowing it. -the more you focus on it, the more you get excited about it. -you enjoyed doing it when you were twelve years old. -as a fiery kid you were obstinately passionate about this pursuit or pleasure, before you began to fit into the uniform of society's expectations. -whenever you think about it, you get a feeling (sometimes just a tickle) of familiarity and attraction.
By considering these ideas, you will learn to understand yourself more fully at this time of life. The process of discovering your passions is a form of purpose and passion in itself. When you begin seeing new connections, it will be so satisfying and exciting that you will surely be hooked and will understand the power behind all of this. Wherever you put your passion, that is where the power is. Anonymous
This inquiry drew me to writing and giving talks about the power in the second half of life. I had never had much interest in writing. However, there was some internal nudging that encouraged me. One day I just sat down and began writing about not being interested in writing. One word led to another and I began to enjoy expressing my thoughts on paper.
Old friends and people who I hadn't even met began contacting me after reading some of my writing.
"I can't tell you how much your article on Change gave me a light bulb moment. I even went on line and joined e-harmony." Pat-who I haven't met yet
"I think your ideas are positive and interesting without being the least bit saccharine-a fine line indeed. So, I hope you will keep them coming. Margot-a high school friend.
Finding your passion is a very personal journey. Your passion may be similar to something you did in the workplace or the complete opposite. It may take you to Africa to teach school or to your dining room table to take up scrap-booking or play with the grandkids.
Passion can feel like a little breeze or a down right hurricane. As you are listening for this song that you have yet to sing, it is important to listen to messages from within, from people around you, and the things you read and observe (sometimes billboards will even have a message ). Writing in your journal each day is a way to keep track of those messages and insights that you receive.
Best wishes to you. Enjoy the journey and be sure to heed the message below.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, well-preserved body. But rather to skid in broadside-cheese danish in one hand-a banjo in the other ....smiling and screaming Woo! Hoo!, What a Ride.! Hunter Thompson
|
|
|
Barb Warner, MEd: Posted on Sunday, January 09, 2011 2:08 PM
Who is this New Me? Are you finding that getting older is difficult to figure out? Our childhood and early adult years were spent defining ourselves, trying to be good students, good parents and good community members. Also, having a good work ethic and attempting to figure out the stock market was important. Now in the second half of life, these activities don't have the meaning they once did. Life's priorities and insights are changing, sometimes without our conscious awareness.
Perhaps the children are grown and the responsibilities outside the home don't have the center role for us they once did. The effort to exhibit a "good work ethic" isn't as important as living each moment of everyday as authentically as possible. We know now that it is impossible to predict the stock market's ups and downs and that financial security does not necessarily depend on Wall Street but on our beliefs about the source of abundance. It is quite like being a teenager and feeling like all of the rules have changed and we are looking around for someone to make sense of it.
The direction for our life is no longer in the hands of outside influences. As younger adults the answers to life's important questions usually came from other people and other outside influences. And that was appropriate. Now it is time to turn our attention inward and access the wisdom and power that is available there.
Where and what is this "place within"? Sometimes it is called "the still small voice". When I first became aware that this power was within me and that I could call upon it at will, my fearful ego was threatened and questioned if that voice was really there and if it could be trusted. I soon learned that it was the place that comforted me when my sister and nephew passed within a month of each other ten years ago and I was overcome with grief. It was the softness that I felt recently when I saw a father cry when looking at pictures of his children. It is the peacefulness that I am feeling now as I write this blog.
Several months ago I sent a survey to some friends asking what positive changes they have experienced in the second half of life. -I am more accepting and less reactive. -I am kinder to myself. -I am clearer about what and who belongs in my life. -I am more confident about my skills and my abilities to put them out into the world.
How did these people become "more accepting, kinder, clearer and more confident"? This probably isn't your exact list however you probably have a similar one.
Do you know that you are not the same person you were 20-40 years ago, only 20-40 years older? You are actually a quite different person. How are you experiencing the differences? It may take some time to become aware of who that person is but the process can be quite fun.
You have made it through some life changing times, both painful and joyful. There may have been times when there wasn't enough money to meet family needs or a close friend became very ill or your company needed to downsize. There were also times at the Musee d'orsay in Paris seeing Monet's paintings up close or that summer when you were in Hawaii happily swimming with the dolphins. Both those joys and those hardships have left you the stronger and wiser person you are today.
My childhood provided the benefits of growing up in a safe, small town on the shore of beautiful Lake Michigan. Within these beautiful surroundings, there was also the pain of being a chubby little girl and having a father who didn't feel that his daughter could be a strong, confident and successful woman. My early adult years provided exciting travel opportunities, including 3 years in the Peace Corps in Turkey. I also became the mother of a beautiful daughter who is still a bright light in my life. In addition,as an adult there was the pain of a marriage filled with conflict and jobs that just didn't seem to fit. However, each of these experiences gave me gifts. Some of those gifts I am only now realizing.
I invite each of you to become aware of the life changing experiences you have had. You may know intuitively that you are wiser and your thinking has changed. However until those changes come to your awareness, you don't really understand their value.
2011 is the perfect year to look at your life with courage, hope and gratitude and realize its unfulfilled potential. This is truly where the excitement is. Nothing has been said or written to describe the possibilities that you now have within.
If this sounds overwhelming, it is a great time to go within to that "still small voice" for guidance and direction. As always, I suggest writing down your experiences. Don't expect to hear The Ten Commandments your first time doing this. (But let me know if you do.) I admire your courage and willingness to explore. I'd love to hear about your discoveries. Blessings,
Barb Warner, MEd 303-745-1377 powerfultools.barb@gmail.com powerfulaging.vpweb.com
|
|
|
Barb Warner, MEd: Posted on Monday, December 27, 2010 5:00 PM
The Gift We Give Ourselves
In meeting with individuals and groups over the past several years, I have been moved by the importance that forgiveness plays in our lives. Each of our stories is deeply personal and often contain intense pain. Because we often don't know what to do with the pain, we may bury, lash out in rage or just allow the pain to fester and gnaw away at our hearts. "Forgive and forget" is a cliche that we may use sometimes but it is often not that simple. However, forgiveness is essential for living a life of peace, love, happiness and insight.
Let's celebrate this new year by examining this very powerful force available to us and explore what forgiveness does and doesn't do and how it can bring more peace into our lives in 2011.
Forgiveness is: -the act of pardoning somebody or something, including ourselves, for a mistake or wrongdoing. It is an opportunity to transform painful emotions into positive, or at least neutral ones. -the goal of forgiving is to free ourselves to live life more fully and to be inwardly more vibrant.
"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." Mark Twain
Forgiveness does not: -deny the other person's responsibility for his/her part in the situation. We can choose to forgive the other person and as a part of that choice, can choose to end or limit contact.
-depend on whether or not the abuser apologizes, wants back or wants to change his/her ways. It actually is about if and how you want to give peace to yourself. What power!
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong." Mahatma Gandhi
Benefits of Forgiveness: -Gives us control over our lives and fosters maturity as a person -Gives us increased physical well-being. Harboring a grudge causes muscle tension, cardiovascular disease, strokes and other harm to our bodies. -Offers blessings for ourselves and others, opening our heart to grow in love and compassion.
Elements of Forgiveness: -Acknowledge what happened, affirm the pain and hurt, identify the real problem. Writing what happened in story form may be an excellent way to sort our the elements that have affected you. -Look at the painful elements in the story that you have the ability and power to change. How can you change those? -Consider the consequences of not forgiving. -Look at what positive outcomes the event had for you. In what ways have you become a stronger person? -Look at if or how you might want to continue a relationship with that person or situation.
Forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves. Rabbi Zalman Schacter-Shalomi
According to an article in Arthritis Today, you don't have to be unusually talented to forgive others or to ask for forgiveness Forgiveness is a teachable skill. You can: -Commit yourself to feeling better. First and foremost forgiveness is for your well-being. -Get perspective. Recognize that your primary distress comes from the hurt feelings and physical upset you suffer now, not what offended or hurt you two minutes or 10 years ago. -Meet positive goals. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, seek a new and positive future. -Live well. Remember that you have the power to put yourself in the place of feeling relief. You may not ever forget the experience but you can put it in a place which does not do you harm. -If you are having a difficult time, speak with a trusted friend, therapist or clergy person. Sometimes writing the story can also help you clarify and put the events and feelings in their proper perspective.
Forgiveness is the key to happiness. A Course in Miracles
Best wishes for a wonderful 2011. May your journey towards making forgiveness an important and life-enhancing part of you be a joyful one!
If you are interested in learning more, I will be facilitating a workshop at People House, Mining Your Past-Designing Your Future: Embracing Your Life's Potential beginning January 14. Let me know if you would like more information. The information is also on meetup.com and my website www.powerfulaging.vpweb.com.
|
|
|
Barb Warner, MEd: Posted on Saturday, November 27, 2010 12:20 PM
Giving and Receiving are One in Truth
Understanding this concept has continued to be a work in progress in my life. As a child there was always plenty of money and I gave it's source very little attention. I received what I wanted from my parents without knowing of the giving dynamic involved. When it was time for me to be responsible for my own finances, however, giving and receiving had different meanings. I had little confidence that I could control what money came in and what went out. Giving meant loosing or getting poorer and receiving meant getting or becoming richer. It seemed pretty simple but it was a very limiting belief and I realized later generated a lot of fear.
As time went on and I began to study higher spiritual thought such as The Course in Miracles, I knew there were other ways of looking at this dynamic. However, I still felt uneasy around money. I wanted it but felt powerless handling it. It didn't even make much difference what my income was at the time. As with many other women, I had developed the "bag lady syndrome". In fact in a recent survey, it was found that one half of women in America were afraid of become bag ladies, including women who were earning more than $100,000 a year. For those of you who haven't experienced this, it is a fear that financial security can disappear in a heartbeat. It's the fear that since I don't have any control and since money comes to be magically, it can leave me magically as well. (Oliva Mellon, a therapist who specializes in money psychology, reports that men don't have these same fears.)
Now I am older with more life experiences and more knowledge. I try to keep the "bag lady" in the past. When she does emerge however, I tell her that I now have a new story to tell.
This story is about having the power to control the abundance in my life. I have this power because I am one with the all-creating force that creates my good. It is realizing that giving and receiving are inextricably linked together in the natural flow of life, like inhaling and exhaling. If I can inhale easily, I can exhale with easily. If I give with ease, I receive with ease.
Ten years ago, when I was receiving treatment for cancer, I was not able to work. Once I woke up in the middle of the night terrified that I would not have enough money to survive. Would I loose my house, car, have to beg for food? (Essentially the "bag lady" fears). And besides that would I die? After asking for guidance, I felt an urge to get up early and go to the church that I had been attending. There in the yard was the maintenance man raking leaves. I gave him a check to give to the minister for a generous amount of money. All of a sudden I felt incredibly powerful, realizing that I was supporting the community that was providing me with spiritual support so essential at this time. I was embracing control that I intuitively knew linked me to the Divine. What a miracle! A conviction of universal oneness was at the heart of this action; thus when giving, I would not loose but receive more fully.
My life has lightened and brightened up. I am in good health and have continued to grow in the knowledge that abundance will always be in my life. When writing in my gratitude journal, I enjoy entering times when I have had the opportunity to both give and to receive. Sometimes I enjoy paying for the person's coffee in the car behind me at the drive up window at Starbucks. I pay and then drive off quickly. I receive such joy doing that and often feel a bit elfish. Then the next day a friend might offer to buy me lunch...or not. I forget to keep track as the gifts and receipts happen so quickly. As we live creatively with trust that we are taken care of, our life becomes a wonderful adventure that enhances the joy we experience as well as the joy we bring to others.
|
|
|
Barb Warner, MEd: Posted on Thursday, November 18, 2010 2:32 PM
Go Gratitude! If you choose to read this blog, be prepared to introduce a new habit into your life. Be prepared to feel more consistently happy than you ever have before. Be prepared to give thanks for a sunny day. Be prepared to give thanks for a rainy day, for a hot day or a cold day. And for a day with peace with you neighbor. Be prepared to give thanks for your friends and for those who are working hard to build your character through trying your patience.
Be prepared for less depression and more kindness towards people you don't even know. Also, be prepared for an increased interest in things like physical fitness, healthier eating and progress on personal goals.
Two psychologists, Dr. Michael McCollough of SMU in Dallas and Dr. Robert Emmons of the University of California at Davis report: -People who practice daily gratitude exercises have a high level of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, optimism and energy.
-Expressing gratitude is able to explain well-being more than any other of the most commonly studied personality traits.
-Life satisfaction has a much larger correlation with gratitude and much smaller with age, education, income, intelligence or attractiveness.
How easy is this? And how much fun! So let's do it!
To increase the level of gratitude that we experience, here are a few suggestions.
1. Pay attention to good things large and small. The other day I met a woman who had very poor eye site as well as hearing. When I asked her for what she was grateful for, she said, "at least I am not completely blind."
2. Pay attention to bad things that are avoided. Recently a friend fell off her bike and was so grateful that the only thing injured was her self confidence.
3. Practice downward comparisons. When I return from a strenuous hike and feel very achy, I am grateful that I don't need a cane or walker and that a hot bath and a glass of chardonnay will take care of my aches. 4. Establish regular times to focus on being grateful. Gratitude is a character strength that can be enhanced with practice.
5.When facing a loss or a difficult task, we can remind ourselves to be grateful both for what we haven't lost and for the strengths and opportunities that arise from facing difficulties. I am grateful for the many times I had to call on my high power to help me through the cancer diagnosis that I experienced 10 years ago and now I am grateful for the health that I am experiencing today. 6.Elicit and reinforce gratitude in the people around us. Negative moods are catching but positive ones can be as well. Have you ever known anyone who continually speaks about what is wrong? I sometimes take this opportunity to steer the person towards what is positive about the experience. This sometimes really makes them angry. Oh, well!
Probably the best known and useful of all the tools that are used by those who want to reinforce the benefits of gratitude is to keep a Gratitude Journal. There are many beautiful ones available in stationary and bookstores. However, I use a simple spiral lined notebook and keep it next to my bed. It is a wonderful vehicle to send me off to peaceful dreams each night.
Most of all it is fun developing gratitude muscles. Like with any workout, we need to practice regularly even when we don't feel like it. When we realize how being grateful makes us happier, we can record that in our Gratitude Journal as well. It is truly a gift to feel grateful for being grateful. Enjoy!
|
|
|
|
|
